#im afraid of myself

[stil-lindigo]

lead balloon (the tumblr post that saved me)

if this comic resonated with you, it would mean the world to me if you donated to this palestinian family's escape fund.

--

no creative notes because this isn't that kind of comic.

I know I don’t owe any of you anything but I still felt compelled to write about my long term absence. And I feel far enough away from the dangerous spot I was in to be able to make this comic. I have a therapist now, and she agreed that making this could be a very cathartic gesture, and the start of properly leaving these thoughts behind me. I am still, at seemingly random times, blindsided by fleeting desires to kill myself. They’re always passing urges, but it’s disarming, and uncomfortable. I worry sometimes that my brain’s spent so long thinking only about suicide that it’s forgotten how to think about anything else. Like, now that I've opened that door for myself, I'll never be able to fully shut it again. But I’m trying my best to encourage my mind in other directions. We'll see how that goes.

I am still donating all proceeds from my store to Palestinian causes. So far, I've donated over $15K, not including donations coming from my own pocket or the fundraising streams which jointly raised around $10K. In the time since I made my initial post about where this money would be going, the focus has shifted from aid organisations to directly donating to escape funds.

If you'd like to do the same, you can look at Operation Olive Branch, which hosts hundreds of Palestinian escape funds or donate to Safebow, which has helped facilitate the safe crossing and securing of important medical procedures for over 150 at-risk palestinians since the beginning of the genocide.

[basquiatwaffle]

I was about to sh and I DIDN’T! I didn’t. I couldn’t… I was afraid of myself the day after.

[temeyes]

[umblrspectrum]

my text disappeared here when i posted. what happened

[frostedpuffs]

does anyone else ever feel like they never Fit In fandom spaces like. sure i create stuff SOMETIMES but i feel like such an outsider in the fandom and idk why asdkfsakdf

[glasskoi]

ace as that one photo

[dykedvonte]

You ever just see a Mouthwashing take that makes you want to bang your head into a wall? I literally just saw someone claim Curly couldn't have been emotionally abused by Jimmy before the crash because he was in a higher position of power than Jimmy.

-Shrimp Anon

The mouthwashing fandom has shown me that people genuinely do believe that certain types of abuse are not as detrimental as other types especially when they deem those immune/resistant, ergo, believing one is objectively worse no matter how it affects the person nor the intersections of power, history and dynamics at play.

Get ready cause this is a yap session:

Cause like it's heavily implied that Curly and Jimmy's friendship was toxic and abusive, pointedly in the direction of how Jimmy uses Curly's belief/comfort in him. Curly wasn't forced to enable Jimmy but he was emotional and mentally on edge around him in almost every scene in some way. Mental and emotional abuse are not contingent on what positions you have at work. Yeah, he's Jimmy's boss but he was Jimmy's friend first and it's like getting into Psych discussion to talk about how social power tends to overshadow any perceived organizational power in the human mind. People are concerned about their jobs ofc but they tend to hang onto and put more value/investment into their personal relationships, hence why there tends to be laws and restrictions around mixing the two.

I always see the sentiments that "Curly is a grown ass man", "Curly is bigger than Jimmy", "Curly is Jimmy's boss", "He just needed a backbone" as criticisms of Curly and while I do agree that on the surface level all of these to be true and viable ways Curly could've taken more control of the situation, I often look at the parallels of Anya and Curly as victims of Jimmy pre/post crash.

The way Jimmy talks to Anya post crash is how he talked to Curly in the pre-crash segments. It's hard to pin-point mainly because we know he hates and wants nothing to do with Anya compared to his contrary but similarly handled obsessions with Curly. It's a weird sort of "honey-moon" effect of abuse Jimmy does in terms of emotional and mental victimization. He is always horrid to Anya, always talking down or questioning her abilities and thoughts in a situation, this of course includes the harassment and assault. However, he has a moment of attempted gentleness/conditioning when he question her about the mouthwash when she's contemplating drinking it at the table. The key difference is he has no personal investment in Jimmy outside wanting nothing to do with him, meaning there is no sort of romanticized version of him that he can condition her off of. He knows this, hence, why he always reverts to trying to make her to scared to oppose him.

This sort of give and take of "kindness" doesn't work on her because she knows he is just doing it to take more from her than whatever he could possibly give but it reflects even the "softer" scenes between him and Curly where he always rewords or rephrases Curly's sentiments and concerns to sound more shallow. He is feigning a deeper understanding by reworking Curly's emotions into something bad and needing to be hidden. Everything is laced with envy and resentment, an outburst just around the corner, I mean he even slams the table in the birthday party scene, a tactic in emotional manipulation to set the victim on edge and cloud their ability to respond. Even if Curly knows Jimmy won't get physical in that moment, the physical actions is intended to make him back down in the confrontation in case it does. This is something that is just not person specific. It ingrains itself into how you interact with the world and life and it shows in major and minor ways with Curly.

Post-crash, the abusive nature is more in tandem to the physical victimization Anya went through and the stripping of voice and autonomy we see take place. Like the parasite in HFIM, Jimmy speaks for Curly most of the time and puts words in his mouth, similarly to how he takes Anya's plans as his own. He very commonly, with the both of them mind you, supplements the worst aspects of himself into them; pettiness, selfishness, lack of understanding... And tries to cover himself with their best qualities; kindness, planning, initiative, etc...

These parallel are just to say that positional power has little to do with if a person can be abused and how it can even be flipped to further the abuse. There is no doubt that Curly could've picked up on Jimmy's envy of his position hence another reason he never confronted him as a Captain but as a friend as doing so would immediately put Jimmy in a space to be confrontational/combative.

I think the disdain some people have when they talk about the heavily implied if not implicitly stated emotional/mental abuse Curly experienced being Jimmy's friend is when treating it as an excuse to why he didn't do more. I can understand that completely because it is not an excuse to why he didn't do more but is a very real reason people in his position in these scenarios can experience whether in the context of a work or social environment. However, I also think the way people talk about it really does demonstrate a bigger problem when talking about abuse when somehow who is/was abused is either part of the issue or enabled it.

Harkening back to the sentiments about Curly's inaction regarding Jimmy, I think the exact phrases I used/have seen show how there is an inherent belief that it is easier to overpower the effects of emotional/mental abuse that go in tandem with the perception of Curly as someone who should be able to. There is not an age you suddenly stop being susceptible to abuse nor a set point or low where you realize how it has affected you. You don't suddenly know to stand up or put a face on to face your abuser nor admit that you inadvertently enabled them to subjugate someone else to the same treatment. Maybe it's my psych brain but their is this growing belief that direct action is somehow easy or always the best method with the game shows you instances where it is not always the case. In real life that rings true too. He should have done more, but it's not impossible to see why he struggled to find a way or didn't even if it makes us mad.

It's not easy to suddenly gain a "back-bone". You don't immediately want to resort to aggression, especially if it mirrors the type you were a victim to. You don't want to believe you allowed yourself to be treated this bad, let it get that bad or allowed something bad to happen to someone else. It is easy to be in denial, to retreat to your thoughts or make excuses to avoid the painful truth. It's frustrating but in a way we know is relatable. It why we both hate and love Curly for it. We know we'd be better, we think we'd be better, we like to think we wouldn't falter in the same ways but it's always easier to say that from the outside looking in. It's easy to see what he was doing wrong because we are seeing it, not him, but the game really does make you picture what you would do if this was your raw reality and it's why this debate about Curly seems so never ending/contradictory. We can all say what we'd do but bottom line is that's much different when you're in the moment with all the emotions and human feelings attached.

I personally think Mouthwashing tackles the themes of rape culture, enabling, toxic masculinity, types of abuse and patriarchy in ways that are meant to deconstruct the typical straightforward views we mostly have of these concepts and how little subtilities of them are just as, if not more, detrimental than the overt/obvious parts. The game deals with the idea of little details and bigger picture in a way to show that sometimes the bigger picture is not the issue but the little details that make it up. It's why I have a personal dislike of depictions of Jimmy as the typical horrible person who would of course do something like this because the game is about noticing the little warning signs, the foreshadowing and foresight.

It's why I dislike the typical discussion of "bro code" and "boys will be boys" for the game because the game makes a point to avoid the standard depictions of such. It is about the type of men who still enable despite not condoning, agreeing or even perpetuating harmful beliefs because they can't see the little details or the ways it seeps into their everyday. The severity is not obvious to them as it was not obvious to Curly, Swansea or even Daisuke the way it was to a woman like Anya. There are little details about Jimmy that should ring alarms but if you are too naive like Daisuke, too distant like Swansea or too conditioned like Curly, they are just off markers.

There is 100% more constructive/concise ways to say "Curly was a victim of Jimmy's abuse on an emotional and mental aspect that clouded his judgements and perceptions in the scenario" while also critiquing on the side of "Curly still had a responsibility to protect Anya as a crew mate and Captain that he failed to do due to biases and stigma's he failed to surpass" without the weird condemnation people give him about should've knowing better than to let himself be manipulated by a person he considered a close, if not family/best-friend and had his own reasons to trust initially. Also stop being weird about victims of abuse in general with this fandom, like sorry not everyone has a like social epiphany the moment someone's nasty to them. People are treating it like you immediately know when you are in a toxic relationship immediately or comprehend when a person is actively dangerous and either it's your fault for not knowing how to leave/cut them off or you deserve it. Like the hypocrisy of people believing how certain fans treat the story reflect their irl views but not their own is crazy.

End statement is: I honestly don't even know man, I've been writing this too long and just like no man on that ship was perfect or really helped Anya when it mattered and I feel like pitting them against each other in discussion on who did the least or most or how it was justified sucks cause in the end Anya always did the most and best thing for herself.

[laron1a]

I am also doing a book challenge with two of my colleagues this year and we made an entire excel spreadsheet with rating and word count and page count and everything! They were so kind to allow me to add fanfiction to it and its been... a revelation, how much I actually read.

BUT to get back to the point. BOOKS! I managed to get them to read one of my all time favorites, the Throne of Glass books! I ADORE them! Its full of plot twists and such good foreshadowing that spans across MULTIPLE BOOKS! Like, a detail gets mentioned in book one and it comes back to haunt you in book 6, its *chefs kiss*. Total rec if you are a fantasy lover.

Fair warning, i AM an avid fantasy reader, so these are all leaning in that direction.

Another one i cam rec on the top of my head is the Lunar Chronicles series, which takes classic fairy tales and gives them a new, futuristic twist. For example, "Rapunzels" tower is a satellite orbiting earth. I remember reading them through the night!

An older series i read years ago that really got me hooked is the Cat&Bones series from Jeanine Frost. Absolutely adore them and thinking of them, i ought to reread them.

I am currently reading Rebecca Yarros Fourth Wing series. I am on the second book Iron Flame and i am enjoying the journey so far. Its funny and a little spicy and it has DRAGONS! HOWEVER, if you're not a fan of beloved characters getting REALLY hurt and oftentimes actually KILLED, then you should think about reading this because noone is save.

I have TONS of books still sitting here on my shelves, waiting to be read and i am currently very obsessed with two things.

One, everything Danmei, right now esp all of Mo Xiang Tong Xiu. I have every book right here just waiting to be read. If you like chinese culture, fantasy, martial arts and pretty boys, you may want to check them out! The donghuas are also REALLY good. Beware, some suffering and "it cant get worse...oh"

Second, thanks to Jorge Rivera-Herrans and his PHENOMENAL musical Epic (truly, go listen to it if you like musicals, its AMAZING and its on yt and spotify, he also has twitter and insta and tiktok and everything, go support him) i am currently kinda obsessed with Greek mythology, so i have Claire Norths Penelope and House of Odysseus here as well as Luna McNamarra's Psyche and Eros.

So yeah! A GREAT year for me, because there are TONS of greek and chinese mythology book right now!

This was... a rather long rant, but I hope maybe you found something that interests you!

My goal for this year is to read more books. There were a lot of books I avoided when I was younger just because I thought they weren't for me. I'm starting to realise that a lot of books are and it just wasn't time for me to read them yet. Others I've found are as badly written as I thought they would be and it makes me question why I want to read books by author's I haven't read from before.

Anyway, so far the books I've read that I've enjoyed are:

The Wheel of Time: Books 1 and 2. I have book 3 and plan to read it, however I fond out that this is an unfinished series since the author died. While it is technically finished, it was finished by Brandon Sanderson and while I have his books on my reading list, I don't think reading without Robert Jordan's penmanship will really bring justice to the world I've invested in. THAT BEING SAID, the first two books are SO good. I picked this book up by chance when I was away last year and put it back because the blurb was the vaguest thing I've ever seen. Except, then it haunted me once I heard there was a TV show. I haven't watched it, nor do I plan to since they seemed to have taken it in a different direction. But if you're looking for a good fantasy series to read, even if it's just the first few books, this one hasn't let me down yet.

The Raven Boys: I haven't finished this one yet but the book is good so far. I have the other 3 on the way that's how invested in this series I am right now. I've read other works by this author before, the Shiver one, and while I don't remember hating it I don't remember liking that one much. This book is good though. I'm enjoying it.

The Neverending Story: This one I enjoyed reading but I found that it's definitely a children's book. I picked it up in the hopes to read this to my niece when she's a little older. I thought it wouldn't be until she was around 10 before I could read this with her, but I'm happy that it's simple enough that I'll be able to read it to her maybe when she's around 3-7 Not too scary, not too detailed and while the movie is phenomenal, I really enjoyed this book as well.

The Folk of the Air series: I read them all. There were things in this I enjoyed. I liked the world building of the faerie realm. I also enjoyed some of the politics. But the book had its faults too. It's very teenager-ish. Which isn't inherently bad. The Raven Boys is proving to be better at it though. Jude and Cardan were... at times hard to read. It was quite predictable at times and it's not the best enemies to lovers book out there but I managed to finish it and I did enjoy it. It's something I would recommend to people, but not something I would rave about like I would the Wheel of Time.

I'm looking for other books to read after this. So far my list is:

The rest of the Raven Cycle (3 books) The Way of Kings series (These are so long and there's like 4 books) The Wheel of Time (Book 3 and maybe 4) God of War Inkheart

If there's anything else you would recommend let me know. If anyone has read any Robin Hobb books let me know if they're any good, I'm looking for a good fantasy series.

Also also if anyone knows if someone has written a Davy Jones and Calypso book let me know. I wish Disney had decided to do a prequel on them or at least release a book but I have yet to find one.

[cherie-luvv]

At least Newt died looking at the person he loved the most, around his arms, and Thomas got to hold him one last time

[billysgirllol]

"no..." she quickly interjected, "that isn't what i meant. i meant i-" i was just trying to say, i'm scared to lose you. but the words get caught in her throat when this sudden announcement he's leaving bombards her out of nowhere and causes bambi eyes to go wide. like a deer caught in headlights, all that she registers from that is he's going far away from here. "what? you're leavin'? here?" it was a shock, because of the way they'd grown up together. they always said their calling was their love for horses and all l.ucy g.ray has ever known b.illy b.onney as this cute little cowboy since the first second she saw him. even though, they both had expressed love for performing arts. it just didn't seem like everything was right in the world if billy was anything other than dedicated to his love for horses and being on their farms. like her. they had talked about it so many times, she just didn't expect this giant twist to erupt out of nowhere. "i mean... that's... that's wonderful. i'm proud and real happy for you." she always knew he was exceptionally smart and this is an amazing opportunity, she wasn't selfish. but they were like peanut butter and jelly, inseparable, attached at the hip. she wasn't grasping how she was just going to not have him around anymore. "if that's where you're goin'... why did you do that anyway?" kiss her. wasn't that just cruel? what if she hadn't had fear of ruining their bond and acted on what her heart really wanted to do? what then? he was just going to abandon her?

continued.

[usertoxicyaoi]

"You said I was nothing like my mum. But I may accidentally ... do bad things to you too. In the end, I won't be able to protect you. Plus, I showed up like this. I'm more annoying than you."

TAKARA NO VIDRO (2024). EPISODE TEN.

[sleepnoises]

today i volunteered at a historic home gut rehab the local habitat for humanity is doing and got to scooch around in the crawlspace and cut bits of wood and use a nailgun. at one point the Head Guy asked if i knew how to use a table saw and i said "yes but not with confidence" and actually? i do know how to use a table saw with confidence. but confidence that the table saw hates its users and thirsts for blood

[broodygaming]

Get in losers we’re going to hell. 🌹

Made a spooky game about going to rescue your love from the underworld. Don’t fuck this up okay!

[304wv66]

friendship ENDED with tarnished, now calico critters are her best friends

(listen... they hang out on my desk together... you must understand my vision.)

[bluerasbunny]

a reminder u wont get bad luck if u don't reblog those 'reblog for good luck' posts! nothing bad is going to happen because u didn't reblog a tumblr post!!

[kaiserouo]

(prev)

i colored that